Noah is 5

Mama and Boa...It was love at first sight...

...and the love continues...on and on and on...(on the shuttle in JA a few weeks ago)

Tonight at the end of the day on Noah's 5th birthday I had my first talk with him about a girlfriend. Yesterday in his teacher's regular note home she informed me that Noah had a girlfriend and that she had to tell them to stop holding hands recently. What?!?

So, tonight as I put him to bed I asked him about it. I thought laying together in the darkness of his room at the end of the day after telling him his birth story (he's very into this) and having a bit of cuddle time was a good time to bring it up.

At first he didn't want to tell me the name of the girl. "It's a secret, Mom," he said. My heart sank. Already he's keeping secrets. Sigh. But eventually he told me who the young lady was (it wasn't really such a secret because his whole class was onto them). And then...wait for it...he told me that they already "split up." What? What? How does he even know this language? Oh my. Too cute. So I asked him if he was okay, if he was sad about the break up and he said, "No, Mom" in a tone that said that was the most idiotic question ever. Oh Noah, how I love you! You are growing up so fast.

I still can't believe you are five, Noah. For years I wanted you. For years I tried to have you. Now for five years you have been in my life, and they have been the best five years of my life. They've been the most exhausting, too, just for the record.

Oh, Bud, I can't believe we are having talks about girlfriends already. But since we are, I need to tell you something. I am glad you have a little girl in your class with whom you have found a special friendship. I am glad that you get a sheepish grin on your face when you talk about her. I'm glad you think its fun to hold hands with her. I'm glad you get embarrassed and shy when we talk about her. I want all of that for you both now in all its innocence and when you are older, too. I want you to find real love someday with someone, but more than anything I want you to know how loved you are by me and Daddy and God.

I want you to know that always and forever your dad and I will love you with a love so deep it actually still makes my tummy do flips if I think about it enough. I want you to know that we love you and that God loves you, and I want you to know that there is nothing you can ever do or say or think or feel that will change that.

You could do things to embarrass me. Ummm...come to think of it, you already have. You could do things to make me sad. You've done those already, too. You could do things to make me so angry I feel like I'm going to explode. Check and check. But there is nothing--NOTHING--that you can EVER do or think or say or feel that can make me love you less. Nothing.

I try to think of all the awful things you could do, and while I think I would be disappointed in some of the choices I try to imagine you making, I know that deep down I would love you through it all...still...always. You are my son. That trumps everything.

You could set our house on fire, and I would still love you. You could rob a bank, and I would love you still. You could even kill another human being, and though I would be devastated, I would love you and visit you in the prison or hospital or as often as they would allow.

So, Noah, I guess all of this is to say that while I think it's cute that you got a little embarrassed when I broached the subject of your new/old girlfriend, I do so hope that you will keep talking to me about these kinds of things and other things going on in your life. You don't have to tell me everything, of course. But I do hope you will keep talking to me about what you're thinking and feeling and experiencing. I hope you'll share your questions and your fears and your insecurities because, as I've said, there is nothing you could say that would change the way I feel about you. There is nothing you could be or do that would make me stop loving you 100% all of the time. It's true. I really mean it.

You don't have to go and test me on that, but if you ever do, I can tell you right now what my response will be. Love. I will love you, Noah Yoder Schrock always and forever, still, again and again, from now into eternity and of course to Jupiter and back 100 times 100.

Happy Birthday, Bud. I love you! And, by the way, if it's all the same to you, please do slow down on the girlfriend thing a bit. I'm just not quite ready for all of that yet. I'll make sure to let you know when I am.